"Top ten words that should be in the EMS dictionary (but aren't)"

First off, I'm borrowing this from EMS1.com. Somehow, they got my work email address (not sure how I feel about that one because I certainly don't give that one out) and they end me emails about some of their columns. Anyway, one of their columns last week was written by Kelly Grayson, who I quickly recognized as the author of a book I have: A Paramedic's Story: Life, Death and Everything In Between. Good book. If you're interested in some of the finer points of EMS and don't think I share them completely, his book might give you some insight. (Either his, or I would recommend Blood, Sweat and Tea by Tom Reynolds.)

But you came to hear about the top ten words that should be in the EMS dictionary but aren't...not Suzanne's book club recommendations.

At number 10 -- "incarceritis: a constellation of medical complaints brought upon the imminent threat of legal confinement. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: dyspnea, chest pain, syncope, seizures, incontinence and coma."

Number 9 -- "malignorance: combination of the words 'malignant' and 'ignorance,' when ordinary, every day 'stupid' doesn't even begin to describe the patient's behavior."

Number 8 -- "tachylawdia: condition in which the patient or family member repeats 'Lawdy!' more than 100 times per minute. The condition often presents with PJCs (Premature Jesus Complexes) and, depending upon the patient's religious fervor, intermittent 'Amens.' Often considered a hallmark sign of status dramaticus.

Example: 'The patient exhibited tachylawdia with bigeminal PJCs and intermittent Amens.'"

Coming in at number 7 -- "polybabydaddia: condition affecting females under age 25, who have three of more children by different fathers."

Number 6 -- "status dramaticus: disorder in which the patient exhibits seizure-like activity characterizes the lack of urinary incontinence, presence of coordinated muscle movements, and the absence of an appreciable postictal state.

Patients suffering from status dramaticus usually skips the tonic phase altogether. The condition is often exacerbated by an audience of medical professionals or concerned family members. Usually, the seizure-like activity is broken by the insertion of a nasopharyngeal airway or the phrase 'hold still, big stick...'

Sub acute status dramaticus may often mimic tachylawdia, and many experts believe they are the same disorder."

Number 5 -- "chronic hickory deficiency: often mistakenly diagnosed as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or more rarely, Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Easily cured by topical application of hickory to the patient's gluteus maximus, PRN. See also chronic leatheremia."

At number 4 -- "ECU admit: admit to the Eternal Care Unit; recently deceased patient."

Number 3 -- "wallet biopsy: the act of going through an unconscious patient's wallet, looking for identification, medic alert information, or insurance cards."

Number 2 -- "low marble count: manifestations of psychosis in the psychiatric patient with therapeutic psychoactive medication levels. See also chronic micodeckia (not playing with a full deck of cards)."

Last, but not least, number 1 -- "googlechondria: condition in which patients look up their symptoms on Google before seeking medical assistance.

Example: 'I've been having fever, body aches and this weird rash for about a month. I looked it up on Google, and I'm pretty sure I have ebola.'"

I found these to be rather amusing...particularly "incarceritis", "tachylawdia", "chronic hickory deficiency" and "googlechondria". Those gave me a good chuckle and I hope they, and the rest, did the same for you.

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My disclaimer to this is that I do not use these terms when referring directly to my patients. I do not use these when talking to or about them. I do not use them when I am giving report to the hospital nor in my written report. I also take my patient's complaints very seriously. I treat my patients according to their complaint and according to their presentation. This is merely meant to be for entertainment.